Annie, She made it!

Yesterday, Saturday, two days after Thanksgiving. Gramma was tired. I could see she was worn out a bit. Having her tooth chip the night before Thanksgiving bothers her and she wants it fixed. She does not like people seeing her with this front snagly tooth. We had tickets yesterday to see the play the girls are in and that I costumed. My cousins Ann and Ellie and Mary were also visiting. Turned out Ellie was sick, so she and Mary stayed home and only Ann came up. Gramma was sweet and social with us, she got up and enjoyed a snack together, but she also said she didn't want to go to the play. I told her she was going anyhow, because it was important to me and to the kids, so she got ready, even though she would have rather stayed home all cozy in bed. She's a bit nervous when we are around crowds and yesterday it was very nice to have Ann along with us as a calm for my mom. We had front row seats right near the middle and the play was great again. At intermission Gramma asked if she had to go back in and I said yup, so she headed back in for Act 2. She did love being at the show, she talked about it coming home and she was glad she went. Tessa and Ashley both were happy she shared the show with them, so really it all was good. Knowing when to push and when to back off is always tough. I was the one who wanted my mom to see the show, for the girls, for myself, and for her. She says she doesn't remember things, so maybe she won't remember today what we did yesterday, but I saw her singing to the final song of Tomorrow and for that I am glad she had the experience. Today will be a lazy day, at home, cleaning, relaxing, getting Gramma up and showered, hair washed, that kind of day, with no plans.

Thanksgiving was JOYFUL

Here are two dishes that we made. Gramma's fudge, made for nut lovers and those who don't care for nuts and Tessa's addition of raspberry fruit dip served with apples, pears, bananas and strawberries. Yummy. The camera that is coming to me needs to get here soon, because I am relying on Ashley's cell phone right now and she was at her friends house when our dinner was all ready. We ate Quiche, Butternut squash soup, and fruit with dip for lunch. Thank you Ashley for these shots. I have no pictures of us all together, eating and laughing. It was an alcohol free, totally joyful meal with my sister, her two kids and boyfriend, my brother, Tim's brother, and my mom. Everyone had a very nice day. I say alcohol free because my mom, my brother, and my sister all have freed themselves from the dis-ease of alcoholism. Tim and I never really cared one way or the other about alcohol and have not had any in the house for years. Since I served on the fine china paper plates, the dishes were very easy to do after. We have loads of leftovers and all around this Thanksgiving was everything it was meant to be for us. Tessa dressed up as a Native American too. Our own sweet Sacajawea.

Tessa's B-day part 2

This is the view of our table, where the girls were getting ready to share cake and ice cream. Gramma really enjoys that we make her get up for these late night moments. There were 6 girls at the table, plus Ashley, McKinley, Kim, Jordan and Riley. Everyone had a blast adding ice cream, syrup, whipped cream and gummy worms to make their own cake treats. They were messy chocolate strawberry, gooy bowls of heaven (if heaven had a flavor).

Gramma will stay in bed all day if you let her

Yesterday was a busy busy day and maybe now that I think about it I should have asked for some help from my sister and brother. I got Gramma up for a breakfast break and we chatted and listened to music for about 1 hour, but at 12:30 I had to go to theater with the girls for the opening of Annie and Tim had already taken Riley to a swim meet. Gramma was very sweet about being OK with staying home alone for such a long time and assured me she would not go anywhere other than the bathroom. We got home at 5pm. By 5:30 we headed out again to go to an awards night for Riley's swimming. We didn't get home again until 8:30. Ashley did stop in at 7 and checked in on Gramma, but really, she was home most of the day alone and she stays in bed. Is this OK? That's when I start going, well it is what she prefers actually, so in a way we are giving her a gift of being able to sleep all cuddly all day. But, staying in bed all day isn't a very healthy way to be, so in order to help her be her healthiest self, she needs more activity and interaction. We did have her hang out in the evening with us, I had her eat a light meal, have some tea, and conversation, but for the most part yesterday, Gramma was alone and in bed.

Tessa's Birthday Day, Gramma shines

Yesterday Tessa turned 10. I had a few last minute shopping items to get, so Riley and I headed out to the store for some surprisings. We got her some balloons, a cake for theater, and some flowers for Gramma to give her with a card. While Riley distracted Tessa with the balloon gift, I snuck into Gramma's room, had her sign the card and gave her the flowers and asked her to get ready for the day. About 10 minutes later I suggested to Tessa to go wake Gramma up. Oh boy was there love flowing between these two. Tessa was just shocked Gramma has a card for her and she loved the flowers. We had Gramma get up and enjoy some of Ashley's famous sprinkle pancakes. We then had a round of lessons to get Ashley too and I snuck in going to the pharmacy to get Gramma some pills. She's having her teeth cleaned today and she takes antibiotics prior to cleaning. Two dental appointments in one week. Wow.

At 12:30 Tessa and I got Gramma up to go out for our Thursday at Thomas'. By the time I had the car parked, Thomas was washing away her hair. We did a treatment to her scalp, just a little baking soda one time a month to control flakeys. Thomas says her scalp is so much healthier. She's just not flaking like she was. Tessa got a bun for theater. She was wearing her new suit coat and looks so professional, it's a crack up. She even drew herself a briefcase on the outside of her sketch pad. We went into Nugget for soup and cocoa and Thomas snuck in and paid for our lunch. We laughed about switching money, I paid him, he got our lunch. Funny. We got home about three. We did have a little cupcake each and Gramma and I sang Happy Birthday to Tessa. Theater by 4 pm. Tessa did not know I had cakes for her, so that was fun to surprise her at dinner break with cake for the whole cast.

We got home from theater at 9:30. Gramma had not gotten up or taken her evening meds and Riley and Tim had the entire table piled in gifts. It was a purple polka dot pile of joy. Tessa got Gramma up, I made her a little meal and we all enjoyed watching Tessa open her gifts. It was a baking themed birthday and Tessa was overflowing with love, excitement and body slamming hugs. She squealed and jumped up and down with each gift she opened. She got a mixing bowl, an electric hand mixer, a spatula that angles up so she won't burn her hand when she flips things, a sifter, a lemon juicer, a grater, measuring cups, an ice cream scope, a melon ball scoop, and a peeler that is shaped like a monkey. This kid is in heaven. I cleared out a drawer for her and she was able to put most of her new tools away. She went to bed dreaming of what to cook next, something we have to sift of course. Tessa and Gramma both were laughing and checking out each new tool and it was a great midnight birthday party, complete with tiny pieces of cake left over from theater. Seeing my mom so involved with the activity is such a joy. She was right there with Tessa, sharing her enthusiasm for cooking, saying she'll be right there to taste her creations. It was an awesome way to end a busy day full of celebrating. I am very glad we asked Gramma to come join us. She enjoyed it, Tessa loved it, and we have a new memory of Tessa celebrating her birthday with her Gramma on her birthday, something Tessa doesn't remember ever happening before.

The Dentist, and ANXIETY

Okay, now when my mom is going out for a hair do and a treat, she is all game and clear and not so confused. But when she is going to do something she does not want to do, well that is a whole nother story. I took her to the dentist today, for a basic check and to have the dentist get to know her. I found out she needs antibiotics before cleaning, so no cleaning today. She also has a small broken filling that will be repaired soon. Overall she did great, but I could not leave the room. Period. She said, Mary stay with me please, and when Tessa wanted some water, she said, please don't go anywhere. And I stayed. We played games and sang little songs while we waited. Tessa is such fun to have along and is real help for me, walking her in while I park, that kind of thing. Gramma did not like being at the dentist, but she likes Dr. Childress and is willing to have him work on her teeth. We will go in again on Friday and I'll learn all about cleaning her partials and her teeth. She does not do a very good job at all. Lots of questions.

Late Night Cooking

Last night we got in at 9 pm from Annie dress rehearsal and Tessa walked right into the kitchen and grabbed a cook book and announced, I am making something. She picked the Joy of Cooking. This is a child who is still working out the whole reading thing. After saying she was going to make date logs, then Russian Pot Roast, I handed her Pretend Soup, a child's cook book with a picture recipe as well as a written recipe. Gramma moved up here with 2 Popover pans. It was a random find in her things, but we have them. Tessa found a popover recipe and next thing I know we are cracking eggs, she's reading away the recipe, I am handing her ingredients and putting them away after. 40 minutes later we had beautiful popovers, just 6, one for each family member. Tessa ran off and got Gramma. We had a very nice late night popover date with Gramma, complete with lots of laughter, some tea, and yogurt. I was amazed I was able to jump in this late after 5 hours of costuming and boy the joy was overflowing. While cooking we decided she will have a cooking themed birthday party, complete with apron making and at least 4 different cooking sessions. Popovers are on the list.

It's Tech Week for Annie

Today started tech week for Annie and I will be out of the house from 3:30-9 pm each day. Usually someone will be home for most of the time and Tim always gets home by 5:30. It just means I can't give Gramma afternoon attention. She is fine with hanging out in her room, I know that. One of the hard parts is encouraging her to do something other than be in her room. So being busy all afternoon for the next 4 days is going to mean taking the time in the early afternoon to get up and out. She's happy, cozy, smiling, laughing and rarley asks about dying lately. I feel she is well adjusted to living here. I'm looking forward to having more time home once we get the show running.

Awesome visit with Cousin Paul

Gramma had a visitor today and it worked out so well. I got her up early and showered, them we headed out to Thomas' to have her hair done. Thomas needed to press my hair too, because, so I got my hair pressed and then Gramma got her wash and style. My cousin Paul, my mom's nephew came to visit and he showed up right when we were finishing the hair do sessions. It was cold out and even with a jacket, Gramma wanted warm, so we headed inside to Nugget where Tessa and Gramma had their usually, bowls of clam chowder. It was very nice to be joined by another adult and have lunch together. We had chocolate too, as we always do when we go out. We lingered over lunch a bit and chatted. The store was crowded and even with the noise, Gramma seemed very content. We headed home about 12:30, 2 1/2 hours later. That's a nice long lunch outing for my mom.

When we got home I encouraged her to sit and visit with Paul some more at the table and she tried, but she needed to change positions and she headed back into her room. Paul was with us for a few hours, helped carry in our new entertainment center, visited with me and Tessa, and with my mom several times throughout the afternoon. Gramma came out for tea and even though she asked for something to eat, I asked her to wait. It had been less than 2 hours after our big brunch. She doesn't really sense the time and has a routine of table and food. Every day I try to have one time out be not food related, we draw, or I have her help me with something, she has tea, we listen to music. She plays along, even though she would prefer a cookie.

She was laughing while visiting with Paul, that deep laugh that just brought smiles to me. She is content and happy here and the people she loves and love her will still be a part of her life. Paul has been a big part of my mom's life, since he was young. The last several years he has been able to visit her since they lived in the same area. He's now a bit more than an hour away and very busy on weekends, so this was the first time they saw eachother since she moved. Gramma really enjoyed his presence and I think now knows though she won't see him as often, he is always there, a part of her life.

After Paul left we all took the afternoon off. I actually climbed into bed and snoozed for awhile, Riley joined me, Gramma was snoozing in her room, Tim went and snoozed, and Tessa was up on the couch playing animal crossing. Lucky Ashley was at a Broadway show in Sacramento of Spring Awakening. Everyone was comfy, where they wanted to be. Gramma did get up again about 5pm and Tessa made her a snack while I made her a salad dinner. She had her tea and asked if she could go to bed after. She likes when it is bed time in pj's. She did ask a few questions when I was talking with her. She asked who she was mom too. Now I got the feeling she knew the answer, but I told her and again she asked who her husband was. My dad died so many decades ago it's a bit strange to be chatting about him and filling her in. I mentioned today where he worked and she commented, oh yea, that's where we met... She also wanted to remember Heidelmann's, a German hiking club we use to spend our winters and summers at up in the mountains. She couldn't quite see it and so I described the place again and she recalled bits and pieces about our time there. She remembered Helen and Joe, my friend Erin and Franny's parents. It was great to have someone interacting with Gramma today. She got a double dose, because first she was visiting with Thomas and then spent the afternoon visiting with Paul. Thank you both for being a part of my mom's life. It makes a big difference.

Couldn't get to Thomas' so Tessa does the Do.

Today's schedule has changed up and I did not want to be rushed at all. It's the last rehearsal before Tech week, when the kids are running the show in full costumes. Did I mention I am responsible for 38 kids costumes, like 3-5 per kid. It's a lot and I love it. Anyhow. here are a few shots of Tessa curling Gramma's hair. She'll go in on Sat am to have her Do for the week because Thomas' work makes Gramma Shine!!!! The whole hair salon process does her and her spirit wonders. It is such a part of her.

Giant, she loved it

Before my mom moved in I asked her if she had any favorite movies she would like to watch and she said Giant. We subscribe to Netflix, so I had Giant come and we got the DVD player set up today, thank you Riley and she watched Giant and Loved it. When I came in to check on her she asked me to giggle a word. She meant goggle, but I thought that was cute. She heard the word ubiquitous and wanted to know what it meant. Cool Cool Cool. Not only did she realize she didn't know the word, she held onto the memory long enough to ask me about it. Other than that, she showered, she ate and played with us today a few times, asked some questions, and love love loves our butternut squash soup.

Family Soup on the Stove

We just made a delectable butternut squash soup. It all started with Ashley coming home and needing to play piano. Her piano playing is beautiful and it fills the entire house with resonating chords. Riley can not watch TV when she is playing and he seemed like he needed something challenging, so I asked if he would peel a butternut squash. I wanted to make soup sometime soon. He took to the task and 3 peeled squashes later we all were chopping and peeling and sauteing while Ashley had us in the middle of We Wish you a Merry Christmas. The soup is on and bubbling away, 3 squashes worth in the big pot. I'm thinking of saving some and freezing it for Thanksgiving, but who knows, Riley might just have a need to peel squash again. And did he do a thorough job, all around the stem end and the bottom. Three perfectly peeled squashes! Gramma and Tessa chopped away on the celery and then moved on to peeling carrots. Such joy.

Saturday, Saturday

I got up very early yesterday to help get the boys out to a travel swim meet. It was a bit bittersweet for me because I have always been the one to travel with Riley while Tim stays home. I asked him what he would want to do and he picked travel, so off they went.

Tessa's friend Kai stayed for an overnight and the two of them are so creative and fun. They sewed, they shopped, they made a tea party. While I was out, they cooked pasta and gave Gramma a lunch. I worked a job site yesterday, gardening for seniors, which is always enjoyable for me. I drove Jeremy home and took Ashley to a babysitting job.

Gramma did something funny yesterday. She keeps thinking it's later than it is, so at about 5 pm, after her lunchish meal at 3pm, she gets in her pj's and thinks it's bedtime. She does all her bedtime routine and then wonders why she can't sleep. Yesterday I got back form driving Jeremy home and she was in her pj's. She kinda got mad at herself and decided to get back in her clothes and came out for another chat session and some of the burrito salad I picked up for her. She was asking why she thinks it's night already? I'm just reminding her of the time change and it is really the beginning of night, so she's not so off. She was funny, though in how she scolded herself for being so mixed up. "I know" she says, "it's the dementia."

New quote from a mom with dementia. "I may have dementia but I'm not crazy"

She says this when I leave her alone and remind her about the pool in the back yard and to not go out the door. She's so cute and smiley when she talks about her self like this.

I washed her clothes yesterday and when I brought them into her room to fold, she asked me to leave them for her to do. An hour later I went in and she had folded and put all her laundry away and had a nice pile of towels for me to take to the kitchen. She still asks daily, when she first wakes up if she is dying. My answer to her is no, no diagnosis of a terminal illness. I then ask her if she feels healthy. Yup, she does. Then she wonders why she always asks me and I talk about it being a real fear of hers and to not worry about asking me, because asking questions is thinking and thinking is good. She did ask again yesterday if she had to move again. Nope, no moving. She also was worried she had to go somewhere. Nope, can't go anywhere, Tim has the van. She's very content when she doesn't have to do things other than sleep, eat, and chat and be comfy.

She did shower yesterday and got in and out all by herself with only a few moans and groans. She wonders why she hates the shower so much too and again, it's a fear of falling or getting stuck. I can see why she doesn't like it, it's difficult for her and it's slippery and she's never liked being naked around people and there she is naked needing help and afraid. I'm letting her take a shower one day, then not the next.

I'm going to need to do more research!

Gramma is confused. She lives perfectly fine in the here and now. She's not at all holding on to any memories from the past and they seem to be slipping. It's so hard to know if she has the memories, if she is confused, what....Today again she woke from a nap and was thinking about Paul. Again, I said, well, Paul Cianciolo of course and she's like yea, I know that Paul, but who is the other Paul. My dad. I'm wondering what she is trying to remember or what feeling she is having. She doesn't remember her old big bed we all use to pile on, nor what she use to wear. I'm at a place with her where I don't push the old memories. She remembered Thomas just fine and used his name in conversation after the fact. That is one new person in her life. She remembers Marylou, who I need to call and plan a get together with. She remembers Patsy and Bob and Shawn and Wyatt, that's all good. She talked to Shawn today. She has some strong feels still about having to move, so it's good that she shares with me her thoughts. Sometimes she feels like she was thrown out, and that is just so My Mom, herself, that strong emotional opinion. She was invited to move and she chose to move. It makes life better for all involved. But, she still feels displaced. She says she is very comfy and happy here, she has had few crying spells, and really seems well adjusted. She does what I ask her even when she doesn't want to, like take a shower. Today she seems a bit agitated, and that seems to come with confusion. We talked about it and I mentioned the more stimulation the better the brain will work, so next week I'll take her at least 1 time to theater in the afternoon for as long as she can hang. She helped me with my bows today and I'll have her do some other projects. It's not easy finding things, though that interest her and engage her. She often passes, no thank you, I'm going back to my room. Our routine is a meal, some tea, some talking, some laughing, a game of words or other story or music then she heads back. She is usually up for about 1 hour when she gets up and does this 3-5 times a day. If I haven't seen her in 3-4 hours, I'll invite her out. I keep her meals and snacks healthy, though she is having small amounts of chocolate which she loves. I need to find her shoes for rain, get her toenails clipped, and have a psychiatry appointment, more for me to ask questions than for her to be seen. I'm wanting all the info on Brain Games and such to help stimulate. The research talks about too much too, so I'd just like some ideas to add to my ideas.

Hair Do Thursdays

Thursday 12 noon, Hair Do at Thomas' followed by clam chowder, salad and frozen yogurt. Gramma already has this routine down. I'm thinking next week we might venture to a new eatery for our girls lunch out. Thursdays are going to go like this, Ashley Piano lesson 10-10:30, bagel pick up day, then Ashley vocal lessons 11-11:30, during which time I pick my mom up. We then get Ashley at 11:30 and head over to Thomas' shop for the mighty hair wash and Do. Then lunch out somewhere. We have been making it easy and just having lunch right there at Nugget. Gramma enjoys herself and she feels so good with her hair done and her lipstick on. It's a pleasure to see her looking so good. It's funny too, because she goes right back to bed once we get home. She has been able to redo her do and last week it lasted all the way until today still looking pretty good. 6 days. Tessa and I will wash her hair again on Monday's, then Thomas will do his thing on Thursdays.

Yesterday when I suggested we go out for a walk, she declined. Walks for no reason are not pleasurable to her. Tomorrow I'm going to take her with me to the senior center and finally donate some of her jewelry and sign up as members. We'll do this during Ashley's math class, which happens to be right next door. I'm thinking of taking my mom once a week, probably Monday to the senior center lunch program for a bit of social time and elder support. I'm not sure she will go for this, but I'm going to ask her to try it at least 2 times. Even if we go just once a month, it would be something else to do in our week that gets her up and out. Gramma loves her food. I'm going to invite her friend Marylou to join us, when I remember to call her back!

Being out is a challenge for Gramma, mainly because she gets anxious, but also because she needs to use the bathroom a lot and she's scared of accidents. I'm totally there with her and it must be frustrating to not be able to move quickly when things are a happening. Today she needed to right when Thomas got her comfy in the hair washing chair and he easily stopped what he were doing and she was fine. I am carrying a change of clothes for her now, though because of what happened at the doctors office. Just so she can be comfortable.

The balance between letting Gramma be and helping her thrive

I have been busy, both with my mom and with my life. I am costuming a theater production which opens in 3 weeks. I am walking on a line between what the director wants and what the theater wants with costumes and money and all of that. It's fun, challenging, and I hope to be finished mostly by the end of next week, ready to go into tech week. This commitment is time requiring and I am finding myself busy during the day and the night. Gramma seems just fine staying in bed, but is that really just fine? She had a stressful event last Sunday, so we took Monday easy, though she was very social with us. Tuesday was extra busy for me and even though one or more of the kids were home, Gramma stayed in her room except when I asked her to come out. When she comes out, we share a meal, chat, yesterday I had her listen to more of her music while I swept her room, and then she chooses to head back to bed. She was out only 3 times yesterday and because I was at theater during our dinner time, Gramma didn't come out at all in the evening.

She is so cute and cuddly in her blankets with her stuffies. She hasn't cried much at all lately. I asked her about having bears and things when she was a little girl and she said she didn't have any. Tessa is really connected to Gramma and is present whenever I wake her up and give her meds, or check on her. Last night Tessa gave Gramma a new stuffy, so she now has 4 to take care of. She is very sweet making sure she hugs and cuddles each of her stuffies. She tied bunnies ears together and thought that was a riot. She also has a funny thumb which cracks her up. It's all of a sudden double jointed. I'm thinking her arthritis is making some changes there. I know I can make her do more, make her get up, go out, go on drives, go on walks, but it can be challenging to make her do these things when she is so comfy and seemingly happy all tucked in her bed with her stuffies. Tomorrow is a hair appointment day, so we will get up, go out, have our lunch and frozen yogurt. She'll be out and about for over 2 hours. Today, Again, we will go out for a bit of a walk and see how comfortable she is doing that. The weather is perfect for an at home outing. Of course, the outing has to fit between driving Ashley to piano, then to her new job, then to school. So I'm thinking after Gramma's late breakfast, we will head out about 1pm and stay out until she needs to head back home. I'll then need to get Ashley from school at 3pm. I'm thinking of taking Gramma with me to donate some jewelry to the senior center. Today seems like a good day for that.

Monday: it's been a full 2 weeks.

Today was an average kind of day, if one has an average day. Ashley got a call to a babysitting job, so before anyone else woke up she and I headed over to meet a nice new family in town and get aquaited with them. Ashley will work a few hours a week. At home I started making the man breakfasts that happen here at our home. Tessa is sick so I cancelled her dental cleaning. Gramma had a simple breakfast of oatmeal, a small yogurt and a pear, plus tea. I engaged her in a conversation about Thanksgiving. We kind of started a menu and I keep asking her for cooking help which gives her something to talk about. It is stuff I do want to know and she is very good at remembering these tasks. She's going to mentor me through her gravy. I need help with it every year. She also wants to help make the stuffing and we plan to make a shortbread crust for our pumpkin pie this year. It looks yummy. We will have traditional crusts for our quiches for brunch, so I wanted to mix it up this year. Tessa asked for that awesome soup from last year. I made butternut squash soup and it was delicious. I have a few squashes on the table and decided to try out a recipe now. I made a very thick, rich Butternut squash soup, just broth, squash, carrots, celery, onions, simmered until soft and then pureed. It came out yummy and Gramma loved my soup. She had a bowl and asked for another bowl. When she finished that she wanted more, but I asked her to wait until later. She headed back to her cozy zone and snoozed for a while, probably 2 hours, then came back out. I gave her an avocado and some more soup. She also had a tiny bowl of pesto pasta. It seemed like a lot of food today, but it was almost all fresh fruit/veggies. I picked up a CD of music at the libray, Sinatra and Tommy Dorsey. Gramma loved listening and talked about memories. She has some but they are hard for her to hold on to. She did ask me about someone named Paul. That kind of stopped me and so I said there are 2 Pauls that are important to you and she said, yea, cousin Paul, but what about the other Paul. My dad was Paul, her husband. He died many many years ago and it seems she has lost her memory of him. Kinda strange. She came out again for some tea, said she couldn't sleep and we all chuckled because it was 7 pm. Time change thing here. She took her good night pills early. No walk today, I'm going to have to motivate that tomorrow.

When uncomfortable, I support getting the need met

Today I spent the day cooking for a swim banquet that the team has every fall. I made stuffed shells and garlic bread plus Gramma's famous fudge. I convinced Ashley and Jeremy to come too, so 7 of us went, 2 cars just in case someone needed something other than to be at the banquet. First off Riley was upset because his coach somehow forgot 4 of his 13 records. Riley is an accurate guy, so I went with him to talk to his coach and from there it all got cleared up, so by the time the awards were announced, the correct ones were listed. Yea for communicating what is happening. Riley announced that he went from really upset to all good without any big outward expression. I feel good having facilitated this with him, helping voice his truth, trusting his expectations, and getting his need met.

Gramma came with us and she didn't really want to come, didn't grasp what we were going to, and overall was feeling pretty unsure of her self. She feels she embarrasses people and it's sad to know she believes this about herself. There is nothing embarrassing about her to me, but it's how she feels. She had an easy time walking in, we sat before the crowds came, I sat her near the exit and close to the restroom. It was good for a while, we ate our potluck dinner and then she got a little antsy. She calls it square butt, her bottom gets sore form sitting in her walker, but she doesn't want to sit any where else, so.... She got square butt and I took her out to the hallway to chill and get away from the noise. She was wondering how much longer? She wanted to know if she had to stay and I said, "no, you don't have to stay, it's easy to get you home." I asked her to hold on and think about it for a bit and she did. She knew it was something she should do, but her own discomfort was making it hard for her to stay. Yup, she wanted to go home, so we did just that. I had Riley come out and give her a hug. He was a bit sad for a moment, the expectation of having his Gramma at the awards night was changing.

I love where I live. Davis is so small and simple to get around town. In 18 minutes I was back at the banquet after driving her home, tucking her in and giving her some vitamins. Tessa decided to stay home with her. I got back to the banquet right before Riley's awards started and was there for all the recognitions of his swim accomplishments. Ashley and Jeremy were there too and Tim. It was all good, easy, and I think everyone got their needs met. I even took Ashley and Jeremy out for ice cream and cupcakes because all the desserts were gone by the time they went to get theirs.

Gramma did shower again today. She still has a difficult time with the whole shower thing, but physically it is much easier for her to be in the shower because of the bars. I can tell I need some support/understanding about helping with her dementia. I plan to contact the senior center tomorrow and see what info they have and if there are any mental mind game activities around town. Gramma does seem like she just wants to be comfy in bed with her stuffies. She has been having bad dreams lately about dying and having cancer and such. It makes her feel anxious when she wakes up. She asks me several times a day if she's dying. She also asks if she is getting better or worse? I don't really have answers for her. She has a hard time making decisions, like today it didn't matter if she got up at 11, which was 10 or later. It bothered her that she didn't know what to do and she told me to tell her what to do. First I told her to decide what to do. She laughed and said no really, just tell me to get up or not get up. I said get up then and she did. Tomorrow we will take a little walk in the sunshine. Each day I set one goal for us, today it was going to the banquet, yesterday it was wearing a witch costume and chatting with the little kids, tomorrow it's a walk.