Saturday, January 7, 2012

Lots of Night Waking

Gmom has been up and down averaging 25 times a day...for the past THREE days and nights. Not sure what this is all about. She says, "aren't I suppose to go to the bathroom?" and "I thought I needed to go." This is also being combined with a huge increase in her anxiety, so bad she started retching again. I am at a "guess what is up" phase with her right now. She feels no pain, is not uncomfortable at any level, only panic attacky. In the past, prior to the great hemorrhage of 2011, I felt like her retching attacks were a sign of anxiety. They came along when I travelled to New York, twice this summer and lingered for a few weeks. They came again when I travelled to a weekend swim meet, they were there the morning of the great hemorrhage, and they are here today. Retching, no product...hmmm...what do you think?

Once this am when I went in to check how she was, after hearing  her retch (I am liking saying this word), I asked her what was wrong and she said.." I am dying from pancreatic cancer..." oh boy...dementia sure gets in the way sometimes. I got a little fussy, a little firm in my tone trying to explain what is going on...that she has colon cancer and has denied treatment surgery so far...for the 1,000 time. See I do have a limit sometimes...I have reached it today, with the waking, the retching, and the confusion, coupled with my own hormonal swinging, I am fried from her busy scared self...I want someone else to do the talking, the figuring out how to phrase an answer to her question that she might understand...for a minute at least. When she is not stressing out about surgery, dying, and needing a new diaper, she is grunting like an ornery teenager, the ones I have read about, that don't answer questions, that give no eye contact, that are barely audible and then sulk...That's my momma right now, between retching, and calling me to fix her oxygen machine (when it is not broken), she is sulking and barely answering any of MY questions.

And then my sweet husband, somehow seeing my mom's little girl inside, reminds me...It won't do any good to talk firm, it only makes her feel bad, and she won't remember anyhow...Boy talk about falling head over heals in love more with my honey...He is my stone to lead into, the pillar who will hold me up as I want to scream...

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